17
by Saint H
Summary: Concentrated nonsense. Drabbleish. Hopefully humorous. Parodies Mary Sues, character cliches, OC relations, Subway employment, and various other fanon genres. Not worth your time.


Cyborg stood in front of the counter at Subway.

"So, I'm gonna hate you for this oneshot, aren't I?" the mechanical man asked the teenager behind the glass.

The boy/man flashed an ornery grin, "You are the straight man. The straight man usually would hate the author."

The android's eyes narrowed, "Why me?"

"I like you." The teen said as the toaster '_dinged_' and he took the Titan's sandwich out, "You want veggies on this?"

"Ah hells no." Cyborg declined as the teen rapped up his sandwich and moved to the cash register.

"So, if you like me, why would you make me the straight man of all this shit?" Cyborg asked, a pleading tone in his voice.

"Simple." The teen's smirk caused Cyborg's vein to bulge in his forehead, "If I made you like everyone else is going to be in his story, you'd be a douche bag. I thought I'd give you some save-face."

The mechanical man nodded, "OK, in that case I guess you don't lose your cool points."

"Damn skippy, chips and a drink?"

"For a dolla eighty? Fuck you son!"

_**H**_

_In ego inflated celebration. _

_Saint H present: _

_….. _

_This shit. _

**_H_**

Robin sat on a stool by the kitchen counter, he was leaning on his forearms, peering down intently at what was beneath him.

A pencil in his hand, he traced his way around the connect the dot.

His eyemask squinted in concentration as his gloved hand started to shake, the pencil traveling carefully from one dot to another in a physically impossible perfect straight line.

Sweat began to form on the Boy Wonder's brow as he only had to connect one more dot.

The tension was _HORRIBLE_! His heart pounded on his rib cage as he masterfully moved the pencil across the page of the child's book with agonizingly slow, painstaking precision.

Almost there, just a few centimeters left and his perfect connect the dot would be done.

Nearly there, nearly there.

Robin's mouth forced itself into a satisfied grin as he closed the last few millimeters of being finished.

A ridiculously loud shuddering noise sounded as the room shook, and the Boy Wonder's hand was thrown across the page, leaving a thick mark across the superhero's perfection.

His eyemask widened as he started down at the page, stupefied.

Something inside of the Boy Wonder's skull cracked.

"………..BLARGCHTULUYOGOSODOROTHHASTURNERONSOAHCRAELCUNGNIHTEESNATAS!

Cyborg looked over at him from the couch where he was watching TV, "Dude, how the soaked-in-blood-hell did you even pronounce that?"

Robin had no time to answer, as he was busy ripping pages out of the child's puzzle book and stuffing them into his, now foaming, mouth. Shouting things that were technically impossible for the human mouth to produce.

Starfire zoomed into the Main Room, "AH! The door has opened! I shall now go see whom opened and ask them if they would like to be my friend!"

"…SLKJSFSKJDFSKJKJSDFjk! NARANHASISRAFELSLADEWILSONPAULISDEADKELLYKLARKSONBLARGG!" Robin continued to rage.

Beast Boy appeared out of nowhere, "I don't care who it is." He lamented, "No one can brighten the dark doorstep of my soul! The stygnant black that hath taken up permanent residence in my heart now that my sweetest Terra hath left-ith me! Oh woe is Beast Boy! No serene sight can pierce thru my pupils and please the wrinkleless gray matter housed in my skull! Nor will the sweet lulls of the fairest voice penetrate my waxy ear-holes and satisfy my non-existent muse!"

…

Cyborg's brow rose over his human eye at the green shapeshifter.

Raven appeared in the room without rhyme, reason, or need.

Because she's like that.

"I don't _do_ people."

Beast Boy, brightened out of his melodramatic melancholy, chirped right after the dark girl, "Tch, I bet you don't _do_ people! But I do! Hah! Innuendo!"

Raven ignored him, "I don't _do_ answering the door."

"But I do, HAH! Innuendo."

Everyone stopped whatever they were doing and gave Beast Boy a 'wow, you're a dumbass' look.

Raven's eyes narrowed, "Terra hates you and is probably jumping Slade's gun right now."

Beast Boy fell to the floor and broke down in a fit of tears.

Raven gave a satisfied smirk.

Starfire, who'd been doing what this whole time? Decided to finally go see who was walking into the Tower like they owned the place.

Floating down to the entrance to Titans' Tower, Starfire saw two of the most graceful, humble, stunning, soft, beautifully entrancing but yet impossibly reachable beings she'd ever seen.

"Oooooooooooh!" she unconsciously cooed with wide green eyes.

"BEHOLD!" one of the two stepped forth, "I AM MARY SUE!"

The second, male, person stepped forth, "AND I AM GARY STU!"

The two now spoke in unison as they began to twirl around one another in highly choreographed fashion, "AND TOGETHER WE ARE!"

The ended back to back and arms stretched out in a flashy pose, "THE BETTER-THAN-YOU TWINS!"

Snapping out of her trance, Starfire squealed in a girlish fashion, flying forward and grasping the two in a large, bonecrushing hug.

"New friends! I am Starfire of Tamaran! What is your favorite color? Do you like carrots and will you be my friends?"

"Yes! Yes! And Hells Affirmative!" the twins answered in sickeningly-sweet unison.

"Who's there, Star?" Cyborg asked, the rest of the bipolar, insane, and generally retarded Titans following him.

"It is my new glorious and unspeakably godly friends whom fill my soul with joy and wonderment!" Starfire said, gesturing to Mary Sue and Gary Stu.

"Oh…. Em……Jee." Raven ogled Gary Stu, in a very stalkerish and out of character fashion.

Beast Boy's eyes went wide as he observed Mary Sue, "My heart is a flutter and all thoughts of some nasty skank named Terra have left my mind and soul after catching but a glimpse of this so tenderly perfect _hot jailbait ass_!" the changeling's arms gesturing exaggeratedly at Mary Sue's posterior.

Robin stopped foaming at the mouth as he caught a glance of Mary Sue.

He took a few steps forward, removed his eyemask, and ran forward to hug her, "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE!" Robin wailed.

Mary Sue smiled kindly and patted his back, "There, there, Boy Wonder. It'll be OK."

"My Mommy and Daddy got killt when I was little!" Robin proceeded to spill his life story, "And then Bruce showed me too little affection growing up! And the Joker beat me! And this one time Alfred took me into the bathroom and said, 'This is how you don't touch people!'"

Cyborg's eyes widened, "Whatthehell?"

"But now that you're here everything is so much better!" Robin cried, snuggling up against Mary Sue.

Starfire spoke, "Normally I would be jealous of Robin's such obvious preference for another female, but my admiration and love for Mary Sue far outweigh any jealousy I may have previously felt."

"That's awful swell of you Miss Starfire." Gary Stu said.

Starfire and Raven stared at him, their tongues hanging out.

Beast Boy went and grabbed onto Mary Sue in a similar fashion to Robin, shouting "Mommy!"

"Mr. Gary of Stu, I would like to tell you that the mere sight of you makes my vulva sing!" Starfire chirped flirtatiously.

Raven spoke too, "All of my cold, dark, and semi-gothic exterior is melting away to reveal some un-thought-out and pathetically dependant obsession with the masculine perfection that is Gary Stu."

Gary Stu blushed, "Oh, I'm not that great." He smiled sheepishly and ran a hand thru his hair.

As a direct result of this action, Raven became pregnant. And Starfire became pregnant twice.

"Seriously." Cyborg droned, "What the fuck is going on here."

Suddenly an explosion rocked the Tower.

"What's going on!" Robin shouted.

"I'll take us up to the Main Room to find out!" Mary Sue said, crossing her arms and nodding her head, "Gina Va!"

With a flash of _MAGICAL_ power the Titans were transported to the Main Room.

"SLADE!" Robin yelled.

And indeed, Slade it was, with many of his robotic henchmen, "It's time for the Titans to fall."

The Titans charged him, but were beaten quickly.

"We have to save our new friends!" Mary Sue shouted.

"Indeed, Sister!"

They held hands and shouted, "BETTER-THAN-YOU TWIN POWERS! ACTIVATE!"

There was another flash of _MAGICAL_ power, and soon Gary Stu went forward with superspeed, blurring in and out of the columns of robotic henchmen using his superspeed to overload the robot's sensors and therefore making them explode.

"No! I will not be defeated!" Slade bellowed.

"You're a meanie!" Mary Sue shouted as she shot a bolt of _MAGICAL_ lightning thru Slade's chest.

"Augh! I have been defeated!" Slade bellowed. "You two twins are far more powerful than I! I must have you as my apprentices!"

"Never!" Mary Sue shouted, "We will always stand for truth, justice, and the homophobic Christian way!"

"However!" Gary Stu added, "If we were to ever join you, we would realize the error of our ways at a convenient point in the plot and return to the side of good in time to defeat your evil plans and the Titan's would instantly forgive us and once again love us unconditionally."

"What are you talking about?" Cyborg asked, "I don't love y'all right now."

_**H**_

A tall figure walked up to the door of Titans' Tower and raised a hand to ring the doorbell-

Only to have his hand bump into another.

"Whoa! Oh, sorry." He said.

"It's no problem!" said the girl.

…

"So, who're you?" he asked.

"I'm Robin's long lost sister, Raven's third cousin on her Mother's side, Starfire's niece from the future, and Beast Boy clone." Said the girl, "You?"

"I'm a Tamaranean Azarene hybrid who was injected with Robin's DNA, also I happen to be able to change into animals like Beast Boy only better just out of pure random plotholeness.

"Cooltacular!" the girl chirped.

…

"What about me?" Cyborg's voice came from behind them.

The two looked back at him, "What _about_ you?"

Cyborg's eyes squinted dangerously.

Moments later the outside of the Tower was covered in guts, blood, and organs and Cyborg was whistling as he walked thru the door.

**_H_**

Robin walks in from off screen and turns to face you, everything is black and white.

"My name, is Dick. Not Rich, not Richie, and although legally it is 'Richard' don't call me that. I hate that. My name, is Dick. If you can't say it without cracking a smile, fine, don't care. My name is Dick, and I'd rather you laugh and call me that than call me some gay name like 'Rich'. And besides, I sleep with Starfire, so I don't care if you think my name's funny or not."

Robin smirks and let's the bird fly, "Suck on that."

He walks off screen, and the camera fades.

**_H_**

Beast Boy walks in from off screen and turns to face you, everything is black and white.

"Hey, my name is Garfield, or Gar, whatever. I don't care what you call me, because I am me. But the thing is, that's what most of you don't get. I'm Beast Boy, not Emo Boy. Not Lover Boy. Not Goth Boy. Not So-Desperate-For-Your-Attention-I'll-Change-Who-I-Am Boy. Sure, I've got insecurities, and sure, making jokes makes me feel better. But let's get this straight. I don't cut. Hear that, I DO NOT CUT! I don't cry myself to sleep every night. I'm not goth, nor particularly emo. Nor am I a part of any other 'scene' except maybe a comedic one. And while I do find Starfire and Raven attractive, and if they ever wanted some I'd TOTALLY give it to 'em, I'm not actively pursuing them, see there's this girl called Terra. You might remember. Don't care if you like her or not, but I do. So peace out."

_**H**_

Raven walks in from off screen and turns to face you, everything is black and white.

"I don't want to make out with Robin. I don't want to hold Beast Boy in my arms. And I don't want spend my nights finding out how much of Cyborg is still human. I don't cut, and I'm not really that big into music. I'm a book reader, get it straight. And I don't read Edgar Allen Poe twenty four seven like many people seem to think. And I am most certainly not obsessed with his 'Nevermore' poem. As a matter of fact it annoys me now that so many people try and relate me to it. I'm a quiet person, I like to read, and although they can be annoying, I like my friends. _Like_ being the key word there. And despite what the birthday boy H may like to think or write in his stories, no, I don't love Jericho. And lastly I am definitely, absolutely, and entirely _NOT a vampire. _Goodbye."

**_H_**

Starfire floats in from off screen and turns to face you, everything is black and white.

"While I am not extremely familiar with Earth and it's customs, I'm doing far better than any of you would do on my home planet. I haven't grown up around Earth culture, so I am unfamiliar with it. I have not grown up speaking your language, so you should not be surprised I make verbal mistakes every now and then. And you certainly should not expect me to master slang so quickly. And I am on an entirely different planet, I would be willing to wager that if you went to even just the country next to you, you would not have a clue what they were speaking of half the time. Do not judge me when you have never been in my situation. So as Cyborg and Beast Boy would say, 'Print that onto a T-shirt and sell it!'"

**_H_**

Cyborg walks in from off screen and turns to face you, everything is black and white.

"I ain't got nothing to say. Got nothing to prove. All I'm gonna tell you is, I'm better than you… and I slept with your Mom last night." Cyborg smirks and gives a 'love' sign.

**_H_**

Raven's Room.

…

Quiet.

…

A trunk, old and dusty. A large lock keeping it shut.

…

Inside the trunk sits a book, and in that book lies the spirit of Malchior, the Dragon. He deceived Raven into loving him, and after betraying her was re-imprisoned in his literary prison.

His comment?

"Heh, totally worth it."

_**H**_

Gar and Vic sighed and leaned against their lockers.

"Man, I just don't know who I'm gonna take to the dance." Gar sighed, running a hand thru his green hair.

"I feel you man." Vic nodded, "This high school life is rough."

…

"Wait, we're superheroes, what the fuck are we doing in high school?" Cyborg asked.

"Great question." Beast Boy said.

The two dropped their books and walked out.

**_H_**

"So, what, you're saying is Raven's the Anti-Christ?" Cyborg asked the teen as he munched on his delicious New Bourbon Chicken.

Subway, Eat Fresh. (shameless promotion for my place of employment)

The teen clarified, "No man, not like, the beast. But like Christ, except reversed. Think about it. Jesus was from Nazareth. Raven is from Azarath. Jesus was the son of God. Raven's the daughter of Trigon. Jesus was a man, Raven is a woman. Jesus was black, Raven is white. But despite the opposite backgrounds both conquer evil, both heal the wounded, both are symbols of hope, and both are worshiped. Although granted Jesus is worshiped in churches around the world while Raven's merely worshiped by gothic and emo fanfiction writers and pathetic online shrines." The teen listed.

Cyborg's eyes squinted, "I'm not sure what's weirder, the fact that you're right, or the fact that you actually know this."

The teen shrugged, "Just came to me one day."

_**H**_

_"My name is Terra, and I have done horrible things._

_"But I have also done great things, and normal things. I was a cheerful friend, with much promise. But I also misunderstood, and therefore became angry, and therefore betrayed my friends. _

_"It was a mistake, one I've worked my hardest to correct. But I am still hated by many for it, and rightfully so. _

_"But the amusing thing to me is, the ones who hate me most often have all my own worst qualities… but I sleep with Beast Boy so that makes me better. BOOM! Hahaha!" _

_**H**_

Superboy opens his mouth to say something.

"HIATUS, BITCH!" the teen, still in his Subway uniform, smacks the Boy of Steel across the face.

_**H**_

Speedy and Aqualad were sitting at the table in Titans East Tower.

…

"So," Aqualad started up, "Where do you think all those rumors about us being gay together came from?"

"Same place the Matt Damon and Ben Affleck rumors came from. The public can't see a couple of young, handsome guys be really good friends without thinking they do the 69 every night." Speedy responded, not looking up from Bumblebee's Victoria's Secret magazine.

Aqualad's black eyes narrowed, "Wait, I though Damon and Affleck _were_ gay together."

"Naw dude. They're straight."

"Huh, how do you know?"

"One," Speedy started, "BenJen1 and BenJen2. Two, Damon is secretly doing both Katie Holmes and Angelina Jolie behind Tom Cruise's and Brad Pitt's backs."

"You mean?" Aqualad asked with shock.

"Yea dude, they're both Matt's babies. And for Three, they were in _Dogma_ and _Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back_ together."

"So?"

"Whaddya mean 'So?' Both movies were directed by Kevin Smith." Speedy asked incredulously.

"Ah, I see what you mean." Aqualad nodded.

…

…

…

"Did you ever… wanna see what it'd be like?" Aqualad offered.

"No, and neither do you. It's just the Wil Wheaton coming out in you."

_**H**_

Somewhere in the underground tropical wilderness of the north pole.

….

….

….

Gnarrk made love to a rock.

_**H**_

Walking down a hallway to his Evil Lair of Evilness and Sugary Gumdrops ™ Dr. Light grinned malevolently, remembering the note he'd found next to his pink bunny slippers last night.

_'Come to your lair at 5:00 PM tomorrow to learn how to destroy the Titans.'_

He found the door and eagerly turned the knob to enter.

The door opened, and shut.

Dr. Light flipped the light switch.

"Gah! Oh… it's you guys. Uh… what's going on?" Dr. Light asked as his gaze crossed his Evil Lair of Silly-faggotishness.

Mad Mod, Killer Moth, and Mumbo Jumbo sat on chairs in front of him. With them was a woman who looked an awful lot like a guidance councelor.

Mod spoke up, "Light this is…. This is an intervention."

Dr. Light's eyes widened, "What're you guys talking about? Intervention for what?"

Killer Moth looked up, "You're a crappy villain, Light. You've lost your edge. You're just not evil anymore."

"Nonsense!" Dr. Light defended himself, his voice cracking, "I am just as evil as the rest of you! Maybe even more!"

…

Dr. Light's lip quivered and he threw himself at their feet, bawling, "Oh God! I-I've been living a lie for the past four years!"

"There there." Mumbo soothed him, "Admitting you couldn't beat a troop of recently molested Boy Scouts in a fight is the first step to recovery."

**H**

Slade walks in from off screen and turns to face you, everything is black and white.

"I'm not a pedophile."

**_H_**

_Inside Raven's Mindscape…_

"And so then that bitch was all like _'Ahh!'_ and so then my boys Jay and Bob jump over this Cadillac and they're all _'Snootch to the Nootch!'_ and me and Silent Raven are sittin' there being all _'Hells affirmative! Jason Mewes rocks our vulvas!"_ a Raven in a burnt orange cloak, affectionately known in the H-verse as Stoner Raven, babbled on, a black cloaked and silent Raven beside her nodded incessantly.

"Hehehe! That's so funny!" Happy Rave mused.

"Nevermore…" Pathetically-Wannabe-Goth Raven mumbled in a vain attempt to sound mysterious.

"You hate me!" Timid Raven whimpered as she curled into the fetal position.

Brave Raven was in the middle of eating a live, and still fighting, cat.

"You two are so immature." Intelligent Raven mumbled.

"I think you need to call the hospital." Emo Raven said as she fainted due to massive voluntary blood loss from the wrists.

All of Raven's personalities simply stared as Emo Raven started to go catatonic.

…

Brave Raven moved forward and sniffed the body… then started licking at the bloody wrists.

"That is so gross!" Intelligent Raven blanched.

"Don't worry Telly!" Happy Raven bubbled, "It's only AIDS!"

**_H_**

"I have been lost in the rush of this textual excrement." Cyborg says to you, the reader, before being washed away by the directionless flow of this story.

**_H_**

"So," Jinx piped up over a shared bucket of ice cream, "What's your biggest fantasy?"

Jinx and Bumblebee were having a Former-H.I.V.E.-Girls-Night-In. They were in pajama's, they had their hair in various different styles and they had cotton between their toes, letting the paint dry. They were currently waiting for the previews to get over and for the chick flick to start.

"Hmm," the Titans East leader hummed in thought, "A romantic evening with an Asian Fabio."

Jinx's cat eyes squinted with pleasure, "Asian, huh?"

Bumblebee nodded, "Oh yea. Followed by a, how'd you say, smutty night with him."

The girls threw themselves into fits of giggles.

"OK, OK." Bumblebee said, calming down, "Now you Jinx, what's your biggest fantasy, and NO copying."

"My biggest fantasy." The hex witch blushed, "Ménage à trioswith Cyborg and Kid Flash."

"Oh!" Bumblebee squeaked in surprise, "Not bad."

"Hey, they both have the vibrate feature." Jinx smiled evilly.

"Oh you are a _bad_girl!"

"Hehehe!"

_**H**_

A tall Israeli teen jumps in from offscreen, "Yo. This is Kain. Kain the Unruly. Chances are, you've never heard of me. And with good reason. Y'see, I'm an OC of H's. But as things stand the birthday boy tries to not use OCs in his stories. I however, am in Lord Belgarion's _Titans' Song, The Final Verse_ (or possibly _The Final Note_, I forget)."

A short, brown haired and brown eye white kid comes out, staring dazedly at the screen, "Ya see, H's had a lot of ideas for OCs over the years. Myself being on of them."

Kain looked over at the teen, "They don't even know your name, Ezekiel."

"Well they do now. Numbnuts." Ezekiel mumbled.

"Anyway, getting back on topic," said a twenty-something black woman, with dreadlocks and wearing jeans and a tight shirt with 'Outlaw' on the front, "Seeing as how this story is H just fucking around, this section will be the official graveyard of all us OCs that'll probably never see the light of day.

Kain the Unruly

Ezekiel

Outlaw

Eagle(featured in _On Searing Wings_, which is discontinued indefinitely)

Piston(first OC ever created, used in the once posted but quickly deleted fic _'Chicks and Cars'_)

Blur(featured in once posted but quickly deleted fic _'Source of Danger'_)

ShockScream(featured in _'Source of Danger'_)

Foe(featured in _'Source of Danger'_)

Galizur

Anubis

Gungrir(featured in the comedic oneshot _To Kill a Boy Wonder_)

Project Zero

And many… many more…

**_H_**

A pair of Slade-bots stood, wasting time around Slade's lair.

"So, 311," Slade-bot 225 said to his counterpart, "I was reading this fanfiction earlier, it was pretty good."

"Oh yea?" Slade-bot 311 asked, relatively uninterested, "What pairing was it?"

"Damon/Affleck."

…

"You… B4S74RD!" 311 attacked 225.

"4h! WHY 4R3 j00 4774C1 IvI3?" 225 asked, trying to pry 311's mechanical hands off his artificial throat.

"j00r P41R1NG SUXXXXSSS! IvIY P41r1nGxs B3tt3R!" 311 said, foaming at his non-existent mouth.

"WHY 4R3 W3 SP34k1nG 1n 1337!"

**_H_**

Cyborg and Beast Boy were lounging around by the pool in the top floor of the Tower.

…

"So," Cyborg started, "Garth Brooks is my hero."

"Snkt! Hahahaha!" Beast Boy shot soy milk out his nose, despite the fact that he wasn't drinking milk.

**_H_**

Jericho sat on the hood of his Mustang, Sublime's _What I Got_ coming out the speakers.

Kole sat beside him, she spoke, "So, is it true what they say about you and Raven?"

He hand signed back to her.

"Oh, it is." She looked off to the side, disappointed.

Jericho noticed, he tapped her shoulder, and she looked back.

He signed, _'But, there's enough of me to go around.' _

"GAH! TEH SMEX!" Kole pounced on the blonde mute.

**_…………………TtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTt……….H! _**

In pathetic celebration… 

_17 years of wasted breath. _

_Happy birthday to Marcus **H**our._

Here's hoping.

_Good night. _


End file.
